Project Kay

About 2 months ago, I was laid off. For the reason that I'm not a good fit for the company. But whatever, that's not the point. 

I'm here to write about how it feels to be unemployed. 

Not gonna lie, it feels pretty fucking good. Initially, I thought I should have some kind of project to do while being unemployed because of all the free time I now have in my hands and how one needs to be productive. But then I changed my mind. 

Being unemployed means I have all the time in the world to do anything, but also nothing. So I decided the only project that I'll be working on is getting myself the rest I fucking deserve. 

My days are unplanned - I go wherever I want, do whatever I want. I no longer have to worry if I have to get home by a certain time for calls and pending tasks, or to check if I missed any email or Slack messages. If I'm feeling particularly tired for whatever reason, I could just sleep in. Then wake up, cook myself a meal if I could find anything from the fridge, and then just laze around or pick up my book to continue where I left off the previous day. I would read until I'm sleepy and then take a nap. 

Rinse and repeat. 

It sounds boring but it feels fucking liberating. 

Unemployment reinforces my desire to never be a slave to any full-time job anymore. Sure, my bank account is being drained but I have never been happier. I have taken on some freelancing opportunities but that's where I draw the line at: part-timing. 

There isn't enough "great work culture" and job satisfaction to lure me back into a full-time rat race. Of course, I've built up a financial safety net to allow myself to live this way but there's nothing that anyone can say or do to make me feel bad for choosing this route. I'm unmarried, child-free and have no property to my name - the absence of major financial commitments allow me to do so and there's not a single ounce of regret in me. 

Sure, it felt like shit when I was first laid off but I know it's ultimately a good outcome. 

And a good outcome it is. 

Why I left journalism

Since I was doing some reflecting work for 2022, I thought to also pen this down as this is an important milestone of my life.

Up until the first half of 2022, journalism has been my entire career. Maybe it started slightly before I actually became a journalist, for I studied journalism in college (please don’t study journalism, pick something more useful like finance, economics or computer science).

Journalism was life. No, I loved it more than life itself.

I loved the rush of attending assignments, asking tough questions at press conferences, and then filing the story right away — probably squatting at some hotel conference room or sitting in my car trying to finish the draft with an empty stomach. When I started covering private capital and startups, my job became much more nuanced — it’s more about forming connections with relevant people in the industry who can share story tips with me and help me understand certain companies better. It’s about attending tech conferences, door stopping investors and founders at these events just to get a few minutes of their time.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed all of it. Journalism brought me to places that I don’t otherwise get to visit until at a much later stage of my life and it helped me meet so, so many interesting people. More importantly, it then brought me to work with a bunch of very bright, like-minded folks across Asia.

It couldn’t get any better. I was thriving. In journalism! Who could’ve thought!

I was doing the deep, investigative stories that I’ve always wanted to do, only made possible by the kind of editorial support that I had within the brilliant team. I was working alongside some of the best business journalists in Southeast Asia, who shared the same passion as I and are equally driven about producing the best, deeply reported stories about businesses in the region. I was reporting on stories that nobody else can.

But then here comes the catch.

Journalism is hard. It’s even harder when you’re trying to remain independent AND build a name for the brand you’re working for. And because I loved it so much, I allowed journalism to consume me.

I worked all day during those pandemic lockdowns — what else was there to do? What if I get fired during a time like this? I gotta prove myself! So I worked, and worked, and worked. And worked. Overtime, I became this jaded, exhausted person who has little interest in anything else that the world or life has to offer. I stopped reading and doing anything else, basically. When I wasn’t working, I slept. And slept, and slept.

When the world started to open up again, I realised I had nothing else to offer to the outside world. All I got with and within me was work. I also realised those long working hours and lack of exercise had caused me to gain weight. Severe work anxiety and low self esteem aren’t a good combo.

But I soldiered on. I still loved journalism. I was starting to have doubts about it, but I still love it — it has done so much for me. Look at where I am right now! The least I could do is stick around for a little longer — I was still doing great work. People started to follow my work (!!), I can’t possibly give up now.

And then I was promoted to a leadership role. At the age of 29. At a regional publication. Without any experience in any of the big masthead (eg. Reuters, Bloomberg, or any national daily). I was already one of the best business journalists in the region.

What a great time to be alive. Except all I wanted was to sleep all day, maybe even forever.

Over lunch in Singapore, one of my close sources told me that I looked terrible and sounded incredibly low. He asked me if I was okay. I fought so hard to hold back my tears (come on, crying in front of your source???) but told him that I recently got out of a long-term relationship and work was just draining. He then gave me a hug. 

It was at that very moment, I decided that I need to either take a break from or leave journalism entirely. I’ve gone above and beyond to prove myself, so much so that it was at the expense of my own mental health. It also didn’t help that my then-employer attempted to gaslight some of its overworked and most hardworking employees.

So I resigned without a next job lined up. I thought if I couldn’t come across anything in the next few months, I would just live off my savings so that I can at least nurse my mind back to health.

But the universe had other plans for me.

I met my then-future employer in one of my work trips to Singapore and then that was it. We both wanted to work with each other, even though I didn’t come from the typical background that most venture capitalists would have — experience in investment banking or finance and/or elite university grad. Even better if you have an MBA.

Some might say that I’m selling out. You know what, maybe I am. So what?

In the last few months, I came to realise that career is just a tool to help us to achieve our life goals. The questions I ask myself these days are: “is what I’m doing making an impact? Am I happy doing what I’m doing? Am I learning? Am I being a better person?”.

If yes, then I’ll keep going. No sacrifice needed. As it turns out, you can be happy AND still make an impact with your job. It’s about time we stop romanticising burnout and toxic workplace behaviours just because most of the media industry function that way.

I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to journalism. But for now, I’ll be loving it from a distance.

Happy New Year to me. 

back to my musings again

now that i don't write for a living, i suddenly find that i want to write again. and this time, i'll be writing for me. nobody else. 

but the thing is, where do i even begin? 

-- 

so much has changed. fortunately, in a good way. i've lost myself while trying to make others happy. i became this anxious, insecure, constantly seeking for external validation version of me. it took me almost a decade and a pandemic to realise that. 

"if i don't feel anxious, i must not be doing it right," i thought. 

"i must not burden others. let me just bottle up. instead, let's make my work/career my core identity," i thought. 

"love is the willingness to sacrifice absolutely everything for that other person, including my self-worth and self-respect," i thought. 

"okay. if i don't do it, nobody else would, so i'll just do it. lay it all on me," i thought. 

yeah, i used to be like that - your textbook people-pleaser. i'm still a bit like that, i think. unpacking the shit that i've accumulated over the years is an excruciating process. because most of the time, all i could think about was: "fuck, was i really like that? why did i let myself become like that? i'm so fucking stupid." 

but then i started to see why i was like that. and that feeling of self loath slowly dissipates. 

i will get better. for me. 

 

occasionally i'm reminded of you and the future we envisioned together, but what comes next is also the things that you've done and said to hurt me. how i never want to experience that pain and trauma ever again.

and then i feel okay once more. 

it's a process. but i'm making good progress. 

i think. 

 i don't want to jinx it, but i'm incredibly happy these days. 

the one

 

There was a time, I really wanted it to be you until I realised, you didn't want it to be me. And I thought:

Love should be effortless. It should come naturally. I should never have to doubt or question your feelings.

Love shouldn't be judgemental. I should never have to care too much about how I was perceived in your eyes, even if it would make you think lesser about me. 

Love shouldn't be walking on eggshells almost all the time. I should never have to strive for your approval or stop myself from doing something that might upset you. 

Love should be unconditional. Even when I'm at my lowest. I shouldn't have to change myself just so I can be loved. 

Love should be freeing. 

Everything reminds me of you. When I come across a funny tweet or encountered something while running errands or I have a specific thought, I have this strong urge to tell you about it. But I couldn't and I shouldn't. 

I'd like to think that I'm doing better. But to undo what you've done to me and to undo my love for you, it will take time. Weeks, months, years, I don't know. I thought about how happy we were and how that intense affection we once felt for each other. How it became something more steady and constant. And then I also thought about the distance that began to grow between us. How there would be barely a word from you a day.

I thought about how lonely it made me feel and convinced myself that it's probably just a phase. And you, you didn't say a word as you watch yourself fall out of love me. 

Everything reminds me of you. 

Pain is a funny thing, it creeps up on you when you're most unguarded. It then frantically plunges its knives deep into you and disappear without a trace. All of a sudden, all you could feel was the hurt pulsating through your mind and body. You tried to stop it, but you can't. 

So you just sit there and let it take over you. 

"Just deal with it"

What do you do when the universe goes to shit? 

What do you do when the person that was pining for your courage to unceasingly love them, walked away, despite everything? 

What do you do?

How do you face the waves and waves of raw, intense pain that are permeating through your very core? 

I have no answer. I don't think I ever will. 

 等我醒来时，爱情就死了。

wasting, wasting away

2020. who would've thought. 

some days i would suddenly space out, stare at a wall that is full of post-it notes, and wonder if this is all there is to life. i wake up, i work, i eat, i work some more, , eat, work, and then i go to bed. 

am i okay? you ask. 

i am. but some days are just fucking awful. 

2020

Second blog post before 2019 draws to a close! So much for promising to blog more!

2019 turns out to be one of the best years of my life. There were many firsts: my first solo backpacking trip to Taiwan (lovely, lovely country) and living alone for the first time. It was also a year where I thought I might give up journalism, until journalism found me. 

2019 was transformational. I'm travelling more than I could imagine, and yes, it is a privilege indeed. It was also the year that I thought my career is finally headed somewhere and I couldn't be more grateful to everyone I met along the way. Thank you, Joji, and thank you, Jon. Thank you Ipsita, and Yean Leng, for being such supportive friends. Thank you, new and old friends. 

2019 also had me realised that I may have spent too much time at work. That when it comes to describing myself, I noticed that I had not much to say, except my love for reporting and writing. I'm still not entirely sure if that's a bad thing...thoughts? 

The month of September was a rough one, though. Oscar, my dachshund of 16 years, has passed on. It was the first time that I felt so strongly about a pet's passing. It was heartbreaking, truly. He was there, rain and shine. He was thoughtful, even until his last moments in life - he made sure none of us were there to see him leave. And it broke my heart to think that he was all alone at that time. What a good boy. There were times that I hoped that I might hear him walking to me when I say his name. 

Sounds like a lot of adulting in 2019, eh. 

As I was having lunch earlier, a few people whom I have not spoken to in a few years suddenly came to mind. I hope they're all doing well.

Kay's love for hotpot is never-ending. (Yes, that's a barbie wrapped in beef slices)
Photo: Ipsita

There was so much growing up in this decade - from school, to college and now in the workforce. The next decade is going to dawn upon us (or me at least, according to the Malaysian time zone) in another five hours or so. While I'm unsure what it will bring, I hope that I will always have the motivation to keep moving forward. And I hope that I will always have the right bunch of people to have hotpot with. 

To my wonderful partner, who has chosen to stay by my side after these years, thank you for loving me even when it was difficult to do so. Happy, happy new year.

yes, it's all about me

it's my blog - what do you expect? seriously. 

i have just realised that i haven't taken a proper break, and i have never been in between jobs!! yes, it's a privilege. but it's also extremely exhausting.

also, it's the time of the year again - keong hee huat chai! (hokkien just because)

don't know why but lunar new year is the only time that things have actually slowed down - is it because majority of businessmen are chinese? (hello, world domination) anyway. it's also a season of unsolicited friendliness from nosy chinese aunties:

"ah kay - got boyfriend d ah?"

"ah kay - when are you getting married ah?"

"ah kay - next year your turn to give us the red bomb ah!"

but who cares. i get to be off work and pig out awesome festive snacks and most importantly - receive ang paos (i plan to stay unmarried forever). it's a jolly season afterall!

To more sleep

it's that time of the year, again. new year, new me, that kind of stuff.

jumping on the bandwagon, this exhausted writer aims to review her 2018 and set out some realistic, achievable goals for 2019. so here goes.

i wouldn't say 2018 has been tremendous - well, because i put on some weight, thanks to a failed workout plan that i forever don't have time for (lies!).

but 2018 has been busy, extremely busy. busiest year i've ever had, if i might add. landed a new job earlier this year and was officially on board in middle of the year, and has been hustling since. fortunately, i still (can afford) to love being a journalist. nothing beats having a fantastic interview, putting out an exclusive and having stimulating conversations.

have i ever mentioned that i never set out to become a business/financial journalist? i took up journalism because it seems that i was pretty good with langugage/writing (silly younger me) but i never really envisioned how my journalistic career would turn out to be. one thing led to another, and before i know it, i have been writing about business-related news for over three years. it's been a great ride, and i had - and still have - great bosses and editors. i learn something new every day.

2018 has also been tiring - with the job change comes the adaptation of new working environment, building new relationships and networks, and expectations to prove myself to be worthy of the position. it's not easy, and i still consider myself a rookie (but not so rookie) reporter.

i sometimes brag about myself at work

thanks to my new job, i have been travelling across the causeway more often than i ever imagined. Singapore is now another city very close to my heart - so many similarities and so much differences. i love the city for its efficiency, cleanliness, great hawker food and yet, i find myself sometimes disliking the monotonous lives of those who reside in the city-state, its rigidity and the judgy expats. it's a curious place, considering Singapore's relationship with Malaysia.

someone recently asked me: "would you be willing to give up your Malaysian citizenship in exchange for a Singapore one?" i said i'm not sure. and it's the truth. it's not easy to live in Malaysia when you're not the majority and yet, should i be leaving my home? i wouldn't mind taking up a permanent residency in another country, but to give up my citizenship is altogether a different issue. i'd like to think that Kuala Lumpur will always be home, although it's been increasingly difficult to love it some days - but all relationship has its ups and downs, right?

ok let's get back to reviewing 2018.

Yean Leng (right) and I at the Tan Ky house in Hoi An, Vietnam.

after slaving away for exactly a year, i finally managed to take a break to visit Central Vietnam. armed with only a lonely planet guide, Yean Leng and i set out to explore three cities in Central Vietnam. i have almost forgotten how liberating it feels to be actually travelling. we spent most of our two-week trip in Hoi An, an ancient city located about an hour's drive from Da Nang. it truly was a refreshing trip, and a wonderful time to reconnect with a dear friend. after our cross-country/graduation trip back in September 2015, we managed to find time to travel together again!

(context: Yean Leng is my university mate and is also a journalist, so it's one of the rare times where we managed to take off at the same time.)

this year i also started to give more thoughts about drawing lines at work as the romanticisation of overworking has been one of the most-dicussed topics of the year. i have finally learnt to switch off entirely by logging out of my work email on Friday evenings and Saturdays, and only log in to work when i have to, on Sunday evenings. it was difficult, but i have found that multitasking did me no good. regardless of age, there's only so much one can and should hustle. there's more to life than to work.

impossible as this may sound, but i have accidentally made several new friends this year. new friendship doesn't come easily to me anymore, as i tend to be getting worse at making small talks or opening myself up to other people (introvert alert!).

i used to think people would stay around no matter what, but they don't. hence, for 2019, i hope to be able to stay in touch with people i care and worth caring about, as well as be more decisive when it comes to cutting ties. life itself is exhausting enough, i could deal with less toxic people who take me for granted. i also hope that i could also make more time to read, spend more time to think about things, sleep more, be more well-rounded around people, less angry, and maybe excercise more.

who am i kidding, "exercise more"? even i'm laughing at myself.

happy new year.

p.s.

to my ever-supportive partner, thank you for another wonderful year. to many more awesome years to come.

Two cents after graduating from j-school

if someone asks me should he/she follow his dreams or keep the passion on the side, my answer would be: do it on the side.

it has always got me wondering when i came across people who did not major in journalism during their college years - he/she could be a journalist without a degree, did i really need one back then? it's painful sometimes, but it's done so all i could do is march on. as a journalist.

to be honest, i may have chosen to major in economics or finance if given the chance to choose all over again. and perhaps, keep writing on the side or blog it out although nobody really come to this site anymore.

it's been close to four years since i've been a journalist, including my four months internship at the oh-so-glorious national news agency. i love my job, i really do - nothing beats producing a clear, accurate and insightful article that adds value to the readers and society, and on top of that, gets a pat on the back by your boss/editors. but to be completely truthful, i hate it as well.

i hate the current state of journalism where journalists are not taken seriously and compensated well enough for the demanding nature of the job. we are expected to deliver high-quality news in a ridiculously short amount of timeframe and the readers or society at large, are merciless if a mistake is spot. true, a journalist is the first gatekeeper of an article before it was submitted to the editors and sub-editors, but would the mistake have occured if the journalist wasn't so overworked and had to complete the task in a tight deadline?

would be nice if people in the profession is given a pat on the back after a day of running around for news and doing all the reporting to deliver the latest news to the readers and society. i also hate that the media is being used or thought as a tool to legitimize something - be it a business or brand.

some time after, it is very difficult to not get jaded about it. the people you meet, the events you go to, the articles you write... but i have been fortunate. extremely fortunate to have worked for publications with brillian editors who are not afraid to teach and mentor, to land a job before i even graduate, and to go from one job to another.

soon enough, it will be half a decade into my career... i'm not too sure if this is the one, but it is definitely closer to the sort of journalistic career that i aspire to pursue. again, great team, great work culture and great boss. but i'm just generally tired - sure, i get excited and feel accomplished after writing a solid piece but it always come crashing sooner than i think.

so should you get a degree in journalism? i don't think its an absolute necessity - especially when the syllabus are unable to keep up with the current tasks that are required of a journalist nowadays. nobody taught me about social media or SEO.

but one great thing about graduating from j-school is, nothing beats meeting like-minded people and hanging out as a bunch of cynics that were frowned upon in college. but that's just me and that is definitely not why you should get a degree in journalism. also, having a degree doesn't make you a better journalist, it just gives you the know-hows of manoeuvering in a newsroom - writing headlines, house styles etc. what makes you a good journalist are critical thinking skills and constant reading. read, read, and read. read whatever the fuck that there is and expand your mind. having a Twitter account helps. lol.

in a more serious note, a good, long break would help me to gain a fresh perspective on things. now, about my upcoming backpacking trip...

some quick thoughts:

"why practice AAA (cultural festival) when you're not (inserts religion)?"

because, one always has their aging, traditional - or orthodox, even - parents as well as extended families to please. to think that there isn't any reason for an atheist or non-believer to go through cultural celebrations just because, is the epitome of ignorance.
to think that one enjoys making an effort not to wince or simply yell "fuck this shit i'm getting outta here" shows how immature you are, really.
there is nothing confusing. we all have our own cross to bear - and if you think i'm a christian for using this as a reference, then please, go educate yourself.

he now rests among the stars

i came across a term the other day: high-functioning depression.

people who have it are people who seems to be anything but depressed.

...

two days ago, Stephen Hawking passed away, a person who had lost almost everything when he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease and yet, still attempted to define the universe with the theory of everything.

i was reading one of the many orbituaries and of course, many wrote about his atheism. reading them brought me back to the time where i used to believe that there was afterlife or reincarnation. i even believed there was a god, except there isn't.

i never was a strong believer in any religion, i used to identify myself as a Buddhist (because there's an altar at home and it is a 'normal' thing to have a religion) but why do so when i no longer believe anything in it? while the ultimate goals of each religion are kindess and compassion, i don't see a need to attach myself with a particular one. nor i believe there is a higher up that dictates how the world and universe works. to be kind and compassionate are basic human decency.

moreover, we should be able to live our lives without aspiring to emulate what religious scriptures said. we are responsible of our own being and actions, and we make the best of our short, fleeting lives. why relate our lives to someone who can't even prove its existence? why place so much faith in someone in order to assure ourselves that everything that happened, is part of 'his' grand plan? what grand plan, exactly?

it frustrates me when people question why i don't subscribe to any religion or believe in god. shouldn't we be kind to people anyhow, regardless of our varying (non)religious views? it is completely unnecessary to complicate matters with religion or even drag in a non-existent third party. you can keep your god-fearing views to yourself.

first post for 2018 and it's a rant, more to come!

"be curious and however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. it matters that you don't just give up."

- Stephen Hawking (1942 - 2018)

conversation conversations

i think i may have forgotten how to put into words about the things that i really want to say because when i'm not writing for a living, i sleep and catch up with films or TV shows, or read and then go back to bed again.

seems like that's all i do nowadays.

what work-life balance? it's an ideal that only exists among the privileged. and i'm supposed to write - not for work but to strengthen the articulation of my thoughts. but i'm tired. so i think i'll just let the night - another night - slip by.

i promise i will write. i will.

terminal 3 in autumn

autumn is breathtaking. it is melancholic, windy and cool. and the best part is, i still get to walk under the sun and it wouldn't set till 7pm. i love autumn. having lived in a country situtated so near to the equator, autumn is like a glass of ice cold lemonade offered in a hot summer's day.

London is beautiful. so are you.

Happy Labour Day to you and I

it's almost impossible to remember that i've only been working for slightly less than two years. it felt like forever, really. a lot was learnt and many people that i've met and even made friends with. but sometimes i still find myself lost, exhausted and angry in a midst of an ever-piling workload.

"why am i here? why am i doing this? have i made the right choice?" sometimes i even had the image of myself spinning in circles. it was almost suffocating.

but who knows what's a right choice anyway, eh. we just keep working away.

to all who has worked hard and honest to provide for yourself or your families or your beloved pets, happy labour day.

missing the wintry weather and terminal 4

London was bleak. And cold, so cold that I couldn't feel my face sometimes, that I had to wrinkle my nose just to make sure I can still feel my face. How do I gauge whether it was cold that day? Breathe out of my mouth to see if the air I exhaled turned into white fog, just like in the movies. But London was also an eye-opener. A home to museums and great artworks. Being in London felt a bit like home, as we talk about the ambitions we had when we were little in a local coffeeshop. Why is it that they say 'home is where the heart is'? There was no where else that I would want to be.

in search of...

everyday is a quest to search for that something to make the day itself slightly more endurable. again and again, we question ourselves: what are we here for?

again and again, no answer came.

Change is constant

funny that we constantly need to be reminded about the past - just so we can be on our feet again and be sure of the choices we made.

it was a warm night. but the crowd was energetic. it's Friday night, after all. there's a live band playing inside the pub and music flowed out whenever someone opens the door. i can hear that they were playing Everybody Wants to Rule the World.

i huddled closer to the ongoing conversation.

"how did we come to this?"

"remember when..."

"it's just so fucking sad right now."

we exchanged some more laughs and continued to hold on to our drinks, as if doing so might help us to avoid sounding too depressed altogether.

it was a warm night.

pause

Alice Through the Looking Glass got me to think a lot while I was on my way home. Sure, it's a hollow, lousy Hollywood mashup, but it got me thinking about Time, nevertheless.

"You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more...muchier...you've lost your muchness."

I'm afraid so.

All there is, was - all the what ifs, could'ves, would'ves and should'ves, they do keep you up at night, no? And we all wonder where Time has fled.

Is it possible that I'm losing my mojo? And how do I get it back? Maybe the universe is telling me that I need to shut the fuck up and get out of this limbo, ASAP.

I miss writing.
And the search continues.

all that's left

i'm so fucking exhausted. what else can possibly excite me?

and i'm floating in a most peculiar way

in this bottomless pit,
am i ever going to hear the landing thud?

From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

- Carl Sagan 

it wasn't all that effortless, actually

"haven't you heard how much effort it takes to look this effortless?"

"well, nobody said it was easy."

there's so much, so much more for me to learn.

I don't want to bother you with details,
really.
But what are conversations without details?

We are all hypocrites

What was once a fierce, wild-running river has now become a steady flow, and in my heart, i often hope that it would not - it must not - run dry.

Sundaes Sunday

who would've thought. 

as i repeat this to myself for the countless time. 

He calls them aubergines

am i an optimist or a pessimist?
does pessimism has something to do with the weather?
because i like rainy days.
i enjoy enveloping myself in the gloominess and melancholy,
in the comfort of my warm sheets.
but i favour sunny days too.
i could always use some sunshine in my life,
where things appeared vibrant and radiant.

am i an optimist or a pessimist?
does this have to do with paranoia?
because i always expect the worst when someone is about to tell me something,
or when i'm parking my car,
"did i knock the car behind me?"
"why (someone) wanted to see me? did i screw up something?"
"am i going to lose all my hair by the age of 29?"

am i an optimist or a pessimist?
does this have to do with naivety?
because i still find myself believe in many things and people,
especially those that are dear to me.
i trust them, undoubtedly,
until one of them shattered my trust.

am i an optimist or a pessimist?
does this have to do with seriousness?
i'm surrounded by people who take things way too seriously sometimes.
i wish i could just tell them:
"seriously, can't you just take this non-seriously for once!"

This is what the future will be like

Of grandiose dreams and whimsical fantasies

we all dream. and it is definitely okay to dream.

but there's a fine line between dreaming and fantasising. 

dream is a goal that one longs to achieve. it is achievable, but it needs time.
on the other hand, fantasy is an imagination of something that is impossible.

the problem is that people are mixed up with these two.
they seem to have mistaken fantasies as dreams.
they dream big. but they don't do anything about it.
they talk about the importance of having a dream all the time,
about how much they wanted their dreams to come true
yet they're still there, talking about it. 

so i asked:
"how are you going to realise your dreams?"
no answer came.
i don't call these dreams,
i call them fantasies.

"why?"
they asked.
well, it's not so hard to have it figured out,
isn't it?

Distant universe

"But at the same time, hiding those thoughts seems necessary to maintain normal relationships."

A stylish delivery of a beautiful dream

There are certain things that irk me,
one of them is:

why didn't i watch The Grand Budapest Hotel sooner?

waking up on the right side of the wrong bed

ignore the odds
ignore the predictable
ignore the rights
ignore the logic
ignore the routines

though all may be lost.

ikineba.

That bread fascination though

Twinkle twinkle little star

How i wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

actually they're no more than just a speck of dust in the universe, in this vast cosmic equation.

so are we. 

Jean: "Do you ever think about the future at all?"
Llewyn: "You mean like flying cars, hotels on the moon, Tang? You mean like move to the suburbs, have kids?"
Jean: "That's bad?"
Llewyn: "If that's what music is to you, a way to get to that place, then yeah, it's a little careerist and it's a little square and it's a little sad."

It's our nature to complicate

curtains opened.

the actors came on stage. they started to recite their lines. it was Midsummer's Night Dream. look at the amount of paint they put on their face. none of them were recognisable, that's how thick their make-up were. one of them could be your best friend. one of them could be your relative. or you sister. or brother. but none of us could tell. anything that was deemed to be recognisable, were heavily disguised. they didn't want to be known. the play continued. when one scene was over, lights were dimmed. the crowd didn't move. they just kept quiet. when the lights came on, it indicates another new scene. the actors came on stage again. this time with different costumes, still completely unrecognisable. the play went on. followed by several more scenes. lights were dimmed and brighten and dimmed and brighten and dimmed and brighten. the crowd was still. silently still. no one from the crowd said anything. neither anyone clapped nor cheered. only the voices of the actors could be heard. the play lasted for a night. how exactly did they prolong the whole play into 10 hours, no one knows. at six, the play ended. none of the actors thanked the crowd for their lack of enthusiasm and patience that lasted throughout the night. they just simply went into the backstage when the last line was uttered. nobody moved when the play ended. the crowd sat still for three solid minutes, and at once, the whole crowd raised from their seats as if they were ordered. as they were leaving the hall, no one said anything about the play nor any of them shown any sign of exhaustion. it's like their feelings were numb. once again the hall is void of any living organism. it is quiet. it is dead.

curtains closed.

as if yesterday didn't happen.

Alchemised

it's always easier 

to walk the path that is chosen

and laid out nicely for you.

but where's the fun of it? 

all the right things that i should do

who are you to say they are right anyway?

as time goes by

i have come to enjoy 

coffee without sugar 

tastes better than any sugar syrup

without the bitter

the sweet isn't just as sweet.

No way

one thing for sure, you cannot stop worrying,
even if you refuse to.
the moment you're awake, you began to worry.
when one worry ends, a new one starts.
it's very much like blowing bubbles - never ending.
a few bubbles pop but still there are many floating around you.
they just won't go away.
and when they finally pop, new ones come along again.
there is no way to be rid of them.

unless...

I'm this monosyllabic self-discursively diminished female

grades are important.
they will get you to anywhere you want.
just like cash.
except they're no cash.

what i'm trying to convey is, grades are really, really important. especially when you dont have the cash.

oh, my lord!

i am going to go against
the wind
because
this ain't my
last pit stop.

You name it

i was swimming. or drowning, i don't really know. in this vast churning ocean, where the waves engulfed me and then sent me up for me to catch my breath again. what do you want? i called out to the sea. what do you want? the sea answered with another giant wave. i want to keep swimming, i answered quietly. for a fleeting moment, i thought everything is going to be quiet for a while, until i was hurled into the depths again. i struggled to open my eyes under the waters, but the currents were too strong. i frantically searched for something to hold on to. i caught something solid, thinking it was a branch or something, and held tightly onto it. when the whirlpool stopped, i saw what i was holding on to - an anchor. i know anchors are supposedly to drag you down but not the one i got. i swam effortlessly to the surface of the ocean and finally catching a breath when my head was above the waters, with the anchor still held tightly to me.

Transitionary

"what if i just exist?"

Happy Father's Day.

If You Run - The Boxer Rebellion

best Taiwanese band, ever.

I'm on my semester break, please ask me out

guess who i finally met up with after 14 tormenting weeks later?! 

despite her being late for half an hour and had me thinking that i was the one who's going to be late, it was a really great afternoon with Niva. 

i now know how it feels like to have an elder sister. i don't usually mix well with my younger sisters and i suppose it was my inferiority that set us apart. when people heard that my family has 3 girls they would go all: awww this is so sweet having so many girls at home, can share clothes and makeup! 

no.

firstly, none of us is interested in makeup, and secondly, i fucking hate sharing clothes with my siblings. and the three of us have such distinctive characters that if we are not sisters in real life, i don't think i'll be friends with any of them. seriously. of course there are times when we actually hang out but that's really rare. because all of us have different likings and such. and being the eldest sister, i have to have it together all the time. i have to be tough, hard-to-please, and be the one giving out orders. although three of us are all growing up and nobody really take my orders anymore but i just don't like to be all soft and easy-to-approach. 

yes, i am one hell of a sister.

but with Niva, she's like my elder sister. i feel like i can open up my insecurities to her and know that she wouldn't judge me for that. and i can be say stupid things and then she'll correct me but at the same time couldn't stop laughing. we admit we make stupid mistakes and then we will spend an hour bitching about it. we would talk about everything including families and marriage and stuffs like that. i remember reading somewhere that wrote about us having different kinds of friends in each different phase of our lives. to me, i've known Niva since i started college. we see each other everyday in class and it is just so sad that she decided not to continue her degree anymore. we have been working on group assignments all along and suddenly my regular partner is going away. it was hard to deal with at first, considering both of us had always spent every single hour in college together. and i thought the friendship would eventually fade off, considering both of us have moved on to a "different" phase now. surprisingly whenever we meet up we just chatter away like how we used to. 

yesterday, we spent 4 hours talking and talking and talking and talking. it feels so great and relieved that i don't have to have it all together when i'm with her. and if i tell her any good news, i know that she is genuinely happy for me despite she wasn't there to share the moment. same goes for me to her. 

i sound like i'm totally in love with Niva, don't you think? hahah. to me, she's more than a friend. she's my family (a very distant one lol). 

yeah, i'm totally bragging our friendship.

Grey world

this numbness is like a kind of disease, constantly wrapping itself around me, restricting me from feeling. as i grow up, it is getting more and more difficult to feel. it is just so hard to get excited about things. about anything. only when shit actually happens and bang! yes, i can finally feel something. this is bad, really bad. seems like the only way for me to feel is by inflicting pain and other negative feelings on me.

i used to have passions but they would not stay with me. passions fade off eventually, just like shooting stars. i have them every now and then. two months ago, you would find me speaking enthusiastically about my future plans. but now, all i can think of is, how do i get my ass off this couch. i can't be bothered with anything. i wait for time to pass. i go to music class when it's twice a week. i practice my exam pieces. i go out with my boyfriend. and then, what?

am i suppose to feel like this or what? how do you bring yourself to get excited over things?

how do you keep your passions alive? i would really, really like to know. 

pessimistic post i know. but whatever. 

The Wind Rises

7/10

it was all about chasing dreams.

if you're a loyal fan of Hayao Miyazaki, you have to watch it. i guess this would be my first and last time watching a Ghibli film in the theatres.

the film reminds me of Zhang Yimou's Under The Hawthorn Tree (2010). unrequited love is just so saddening. but at the same time, it is so beautiful. such an aching sense loss.

perhaps this is what left me intrigued, as i keep on wondering why on earth it ended in such way.

在另一个平行时空里

或许，在另一个世界，真的有另一个我存在着。那到底这另一个我正在做什么呢？
还真想看看，在我的眼中，到底我是一个怎样的我。

just my two cents pt. 4 (WARNING: PESSIMISTIC CONTENT)

we Asian kids are taught to suppress our feelings. we are forbidden to express out thoughts and feelings. we are not allowed to speak our mind. all these mentioned are considered "no manners" or "talking back". we are taught to deal things on our own, do what we are told and must not, must not ask questions.

i'm considered one of the lucky ones, being the first child and having brought up in a semi-Asian family, where my parents, especially my mom, would spend all her time explaining things and answering my questions patiently. however, there was a phase when my mum kept a close eye on my study, breathing down my neck everytime when i was doing my homework, making sure that i complete all of them. she would check on my test papers when they were given back, demanding reasons why my results dropped, and the next thing that came into the picture was the caning part. well. but then later on, maybe she was busy with work and too tired to do so, and also maybe i was growing up and started to talk back, she stopped checking on my homework. i still report my results to her, but she merely commented and told me: "if you've done your best, there's nothing i can say."

and yes, that's my Asian story.

the way Asian kids are brought up affects their mindset. no matter how depressed they are, they feel that they should not trouble people with their problems, thinking that they could handle it themselves.

some said suicide should be last resort because it is the most selfish act in the world, leaving your friends and family behind, having them to deal with such sadness.

but have you put yourself into his shoes?

maybe to him, at that very moment, death seemed to be best solution of all.

he had no one to turn to, and he couldn't take it anymore. maybe dying would solve everything. at least it could stop him from thinking.

i'm not trying to encourage suicide or anything like that, but people who criticised his actions should really just shut the fuck up. no one knew what was going on his mind and you didn't even understand what his situation was and here you are, criticising on his stupidity but hey, it takes a whole load of courage to end one's own life. yes, you may say that if he had the courage to kill himself, why can't he just man up and face the music? oh gawd, if he was this motivated will he still choose to jump down from that building? now that he's gone, why can't we just wish his family the best and pray that he is in peace?

so if you don't understand a thing, shut up. that the least you could do. seriously.

Afternoon daisies

"i tried to write you a poem
but all that came out was
a bushel of flowers.
i'm sorry that the only
metaphor i can think of
to describe how i feel
about you is,
'the thought of you
makes my insides bloom.'
but a field of wildflowers
grew in my throat
since the first time i
touched you."

- The Period of Flowering, Lora Mathis

Sometimes

sometimes

when all else fails

all you need is some unconditional love.

oh hello

days passed by like a blur, melting seamlessly into another.

a moment ago, i was happy.

and i forgot why i was happy at the first place.

and then i was sad.

but then i forgot why i was sad again.

seems like i have it together everyday but the truth is i don't. and what makes me feel worse is: i don't know how to write anymore. my writings these days are bad. they are shit. i just don't know what to write.

how.

Where do we go from here?

i'll have to walk out of my comfort zone eventually so why not start doing it now. 

assignments, assignments, and assignments. gah. 

Pistol shot

“It's not about going around trying to stir up trouble. As long as you're honest and you articulate what you believe to be true, somebody somewhere will become your enemy whether you like it or not.” 

― Criss Jami 

"do you know people will dislike you for speaking the truth?"

i know, i know. 

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

i'm so exhausted. so many complications. 

recently all i feel is wearing my t-shirt and sweatpants all day and read storybooks. 

is this how being old feels like? 

Last hope - Paramore

"and when it's dark out, no one's around, it keeps glowing."

Stop judging, like seriously

i think i should say that more often to myself. anyways.

before this post, i would like to say that i'm not really a fan of hers but what she did has got me thinking.

i know this is way outdated but hey people, would you stop thrashing Miley Cyrus already? just because she did this crazy performance with Robin Thicke during the VMA and people start calling her "slut/whore".

her craziness didn't stop there, of course.

she released her new album "Bangerz" later on but what really made her the topic of discussion is her MV of one of her songs - Wrecking Ball. people made fun of her music video, saying that how Hannah Montana has all grown up and doing all the 'adults' stuff. have you people really looked into the lyrics of her song, how heartbroken she was?

i wonder if you guys have watched her documentary - the Movement. you might say that it's a self-promote video but the truth is, she's a dedicated singer and she loves music just as much as most of the musicians. just that she decided to show people who she really is, and just that she's a public figure, people have judged her critically, giving bashful comments and calling her names.

you may have seen me sharing this on my social network, but i think it's necessary for me to share it here again. YOU. NEED. TO. LISTEN. TO. THIS.

open the video on Youtube and scroll down to the comment section, you will see that people wouldn't stop talking about her past and making comparisons.

"omg, i miss the old Miley..."

"new Miley sucks!"

"wish she would go back to the real Miley, not what she is now."

erm, hello? how about showing some appreciation to the fact that she is moving on and doing what she really wants? there's no old and new Miley, it's always been one Miley. no one wants to do the same old thing for an entire life.

i guess she's gotten extremely tired of living double lives, therefore she decided not to hide her real personality and hope people will accept for who she really is. whatever ugly names you people have given to her, she got what she wanted for doing all those crazy stuffs: attention. lots and lots of it.

suck it, bitches.

Calcifer

sometimes i wish i'm good at something. just one thing.

i'm not really good at playing piano.
i'm not really good at writing.
i'm not really good at speaking.
i'm not really good at singing.
i'm not really good at being funny.

but wait, i'm good at being funny, sometimes. well, at least i think so.

It's a funny thing, that I cannot explain

'open sesame.' 

Lovely Christmas

Over and over again. 

Isolated

why is reading Murakami's books makes me feel so suicidal?

brb killing myself now

Fate

Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.

Tom: Yeah. And... so?

Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.

Tom: No.

Summer: Yeah, I did. (laughs)

Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

i just can't get over this movie. just no.

Melancholic weather

sometimes i can't even stand me. 

Big breakfast

i'm so tired of making effort to have people to stay in my life. if you want to stay, you stay. if you don't want to, you're free to go.

i hope people would realise that it is okay for them to cut off these toxic people who force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness.

You built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic

why do great people die young?

Bob Marley (36), Leslie Cheung (46), Mozart (35), John Lennon (40), Whitney Houston (48), Bruce Lee (33), Amy Winehouse (27), MJ (50), Heath Ledger (28), Princess Diana (36), Felix Mendelssohn (38), Slyvia Plath (30), Marilyn Monroe (36), and Frederic Chopin (39) - my favourite composer. 

seems like someone thinks that these legendary people have had enough throughout their lives so it's time for them leave the world. 

"okay, i see that you have made a point on earth now it's time to greet death like an old friend."

these deaths have me wondered what if these people lived on and continue to do whatever great things they're doing. 

it's like...

either you do great things and die young OR be a mediocre and live till 100. 

this is just so fucking sad. 

"You changed the scenery but not the fucking situation."

my mother said the worst mistake a person can make is to change another person. no one can change a person. not even god. a person can/will only change when he/she is willing too. not because you told him/her so. that person change is because he/she thinks that the change is necessary and it will bring more good than bad.

a person changes because he/she wants to. change occurs naturally.

certainly not because you said so.

"The moonless midnight of the mind"

there's always only one reality.

- haruki murakami

whether you like it or not.

12.30 AM

up to date, i've learnt that certain things are inevitable as you're growing up. (urgh how i hate those words)

those things are:

inequality, prejudice, heartbreak, lies, disappointment, and rejection.


i wish i could be a bird.

Love and Misadventure

i'm not a huge fan of poetry but i think i've changed my mind now. 

have a great weekend.

Random conversation at a coffeeshop

"but don't you want to do the real stuff? i mean, that's what you study journalism for, right?"

indeed. and thank you.

Just my two cents part 3

ever wonder what should you be doing when you're in your 20's? 

i am in my 20's and i'm half-way pursuing Journalism because i want to be a journalist/writer/reporter. i am also working as a part-time retail staff in an electronic shop because i want to earn more pocket money. 

it has been months since the last time i asked my parents to buy me something. i don't know why but ever since i started to earn my own money, i don't feel like asking for money from my parents no matter how much i want that something. 

it got me wondering that do adults realize how difficult it is to be a 20? 

when you're in your 20's, people sorta expect you to be independent and yet they think you're still too young and innocent for anything else other than studying SAY WHAT. 

this is the thing. 

i find it so damn hard to ask money from my parents even when i really needed it because i feel like i'm old enough to go out and earn my own money but then i'm still a student how am i supposed to find a job and support myself completely? 

i'm only 20 i should be having my selfish years and go out there and explore all kind of things but i am the one enjoying yet my parents have to pay for all the expenses. how is this fair to them?

i know i'm not obligated to support my family yet. but i just wish to lessen my parents' burden since i have the ability to do so. 

i think i've made my point and i hope you really get it. 

random thought. wanted to share this long time ago but couldn't really put it into words and today i finally did. i don't draft my posts so i know this is a crappy post and i'll probably be a bad writer in the future but i hope you don't toss my article away if you see my byline on the papers. 

Of murals, shades, and Bob Marley

me thinks photo editing is way to troublesome so all of my photos are zero filter.

Penang at 6 a.m.

 day 1, first stop: Batu  Ferringghi

shooting in progress.

day 2: Georgetown. and the beginning of our food hunt trip

Muntri street. by the way, the mural looked super creepy at night. 

Love Lane.

i swear i did not know my traveling mates are all posers.

best curry laksa in the Air Itam market.

i'm very very happy with this holiday because throughout the whole trip, i spent less than RM250. pretty budget, no? and besides spending time to hunt down the murals like everyone else did, we also paid a visit to the beautiful Penang National Park at Teluk Bahang. from there, you can opt to hike to Pantai Kerachut, which is way cleaner and less crowded than the Batu Ferringghi beach. however, we didn't manage to hike to Pantai Kerachut because we were far too exhausted after a whole night of train ride and barely getting any sleep. in Batu Ferringghi, we stayed in Lazyboys Guesthouse which only cost us around RM27 per night. food in this area was okay and if you're planning on a budget trip, do not dine in any of the restaurants because that will burn a hole in your wallet, try food courts instead.

during our second day, we took the bus down to Georgetown and checked in to Ryokan Guesthouse, located at Muntri street, which only cost us RM30 per night, including breakfast. i must say staying in Muntri street was the best idea ever because by just walking for less than 10 minutes, you'll reach Chulia street, the main road opposite Love Lane, where you can find a row of hawker stalls appear magically when the clock strikes 6p.m. and they open till late night (dinner and supper gao dim). they have most of the Penang local delights - curry mee, wan ton mee(best selling food!), char kuey teow, cendol, and many more.

happiest trip i have had so far and i sense that there are many more to come. i couldn't think of any other better way to spend my final semester break before i start my degree.

and i am just so lucky to have these people in my life. thank you. cayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(getting more and more depressed as i'm writing this post because i miss this trip so much brb emo)

Appreciation post

tumblr is fucking narnia. it really is. and i think people should really get one. need to rant but don't want people to read about it? tumblr. need inspirational quotes? tumblr. need relative thoughts? tumblr. need to look for some artworks? tumblr. need someone to fangirl with? tumblr. need emotional relief? tumblr. need some really random-funny-stupid-pointless-yet-they-made-you-laughed-so-hard posts? tumblr. love pizza? tumblr. wardrobe malfunction? tumblr. love pokemons? tumblr. 

now. you may proceed to sign up for a tumblr account. but do me a favor, DO NOT FOLLOW ME. I REPEAT, DO. NOT. FOLLOW. ME. 

Dear young backpackers out there, any tips on how to escape life like how you guys do?

we were talking about our ultimate fantasy - to backpack across the US and Europe, not the omg-handbags-are-so-cheap-over-here kind of travel, but the let's-go-on-an-adventure-and-prepare-to-meet-random-people-and-get-lost kind of travel. all we need are passport, a backpack, a one-way air ticket, a map, and courage. i don't need a lot of cash, i need just enough to last me till i found a part-time, be it waiting tables or plucking apples, so that i can earn for the rest of my never-ending(how i wish) journey. i don't mind not staying in expensive hotels. i don't mind walking. i don't mind eating in a crappy restaurants as long as their food is good.

but what i do mind is being stuck here and keep wondering what the fuck am i doing with life. 

Niva and I are destined to be soul mates. like seriously. 

isn't it funny that only during the exam period that i would have such insane thoughts that make me want to just drop every single damn thing and escape. 

or maybe i should just study so that i could graduate like everyone else and then proceed to my degree, graduate, and have a stable, not-so-well earning job, and then work till i die. 

how exciting. 

Week 12

even though i am about to die of fatigue, but i am very very very happy.

goodnight.

Ain't It Fun - Paramore

i didn't changed. but my perceptions of you did.

so.

at times like this i wish i can cast a Memory Charm to myself and just forget every single damn thing.

???

what the fuck is this

how the fuck i analyse malaysia foreign policy towards SEA

why the fuck am i taking this subject

as much i love the his lecture and the amount of things that i have learnt with Mr.Chia, he really brought all the kiasu-ness out of me which not even a whole Singapore can fight with.

because i just wrote 800 words and i don't know if i would be able to understand them that is why i still haven't read what i have just wrote

Fluorescent adolescent

I mean, I have the feeling that something in my mind is poisoning everything else. 

- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

i find it very, very hard to believe in something that is real.

Honey, you're my golden star

sometimes you just have to put on a fake smile and laugh along with the others.

just smile and wave, just smile and wave, they said.

惺惺相惜

有一种朋友你不需对他说太多的事情，但是他都能够明白；你们可以静静地呆在一起，无需太多交流，却也不会感觉尴尬。

有一种朋友就像家人般（就连家人都和他混熟了），跟你无话不谈、总是有说不完的话，而且愿意抛开形象和你疯狂到底、不管任何地点场合都能一起开怀大笑。

我很庆幸以上的两种朋友，我都有。

（其实很想继续写下去·，但还有作业还没做。就这样先吧。）

goodnight. 

Of late night hangouts and never-ending bitching sessions

"Ka Kay how come you're so easy to laugh lah, like you're high on weed or something, hahah"

how can i be sad when i'm having these people who love me even when i'm at my worst?

goodnight. :)