Why I left journalism

Since I was doing some reflecting work for 2022, I thought to also pen this down as this is an important milestone of my life.

Up until the first half of 2022, journalism has been my entire career. Maybe it started slightly before I actually became a journalist, for I studied journalism in college (please don’t study journalism, pick something more useful like finance, economics or computer science).

Journalism was life. No, I loved it more than life itself.

I loved the rush of attending assignments, asking tough questions at press conferences, and then filing the story right away — probably squatting at some hotel conference room or sitting in my car trying to finish the draft with an empty stomach. When I started covering private capital and startups, my job became much more nuanced — it’s more about forming connections with relevant people in the industry who can share story tips with me and help me understand certain companies better. It’s about attending tech conferences, door stopping investors and founders at these events just to get a few minutes of their time.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed all of it. Journalism brought me to places that I don’t otherwise get to visit until at a much later stage of my life and it helped me meet so, so many interesting people. More importantly, it then brought me to work with a bunch of very bright, like-minded folks across Asia.

It couldn’t get any better. I was thriving. In journalism! Who could’ve thought!

I was doing the deep, investigative stories that I’ve always wanted to do, only made possible by the kind of editorial support that I had within the brilliant team. I was working alongside some of the best business journalists in Southeast Asia, who shared the same passion as I and are equally driven about producing the best, deeply reported stories about businesses in the region. I was reporting on stories that nobody else can.

But then here comes the catch.

Journalism is hard. It’s even harder when you’re trying to remain independent AND build a name for the brand you’re working for. And because I loved it so much, I allowed journalism to consume me.

I worked all day during those pandemic lockdowns — what else was there to do? What if I get fired during a time like this? I gotta prove myself! So I worked, and worked, and worked. And worked. Overtime, I became this jaded, exhausted person who has little interest in anything else that the world or life has to offer. I stopped reading and doing anything else, basically. When I wasn’t working, I slept. And slept, and slept.

When the world started to open up again, I realised I had nothing else to offer to the outside world. All I got with and within me was work. I also realised those long working hours and lack of exercise had caused me to gain weight. Severe work anxiety and low self esteem aren’t a good combo.

But I soldiered on. I still loved journalism. I was starting to have doubts about it, but I still love it — it has done so much for me. Look at where I am right now! The least I could do is stick around for a little longer — I was still doing great work. People started to follow my work (!!), I can’t possibly give up now.

And then I was promoted to a leadership role. At the age of 29. At a regional publication. Without any experience in any of the big masthead (eg. Reuters, Bloomberg, or any national daily). I was already one of the best business journalists in the region.

What a great time to be alive. Except all I wanted was to sleep all day, maybe even forever.

Over lunch in Singapore, one of my close sources told me that I looked terrible and sounded incredibly low. He asked me if I was okay. I fought so hard to hold back my tears (come on, crying in front of your source???) but told him that I recently got out of a long-term relationship and work was just draining. He then gave me a hug. 

It was at that very moment, I decided that I need to either take a break from or leave journalism entirely. I’ve gone above and beyond to prove myself, so much so that it was at the expense of my own mental health. It also didn’t help that my then-employer attempted to gaslight some of its overworked and most hardworking employees.

So I resigned without a next job lined up. I thought if I couldn’t come across anything in the next few months, I would just live off my savings so that I can at least nurse my mind back to health.

But the universe had other plans for me.

I met my then-future employer in one of my work trips to Singapore and then that was it. We both wanted to work with each other, even though I didn’t come from the typical background that most venture capitalists would have — experience in investment banking or finance and/or elite university grad. Even better if you have an MBA.

Some might say that I’m selling out. You know what, maybe I am. So what?

In the last few months, I came to realise that career is just a tool to help us to achieve our life goals. The questions I ask myself these days are: “is what I’m doing making an impact? Am I happy doing what I’m doing? Am I learning? Am I being a better person?”.

If yes, then I’ll keep going. No sacrifice needed. As it turns out, you can be happy AND still make an impact with your job. It’s about time we stop romanticising burnout and toxic workplace behaviours just because most of the media industry function that way.

I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to journalism. But for now, I’ll be loving it from a distance.

Happy New Year to me.