Grey world

this numbness is like a kind of disease, constantly wrapping itself around me, restricting me from feeling. as i grow up, it is getting more and more difficult to feel. it is just so hard to get excited about things. about anything. only when shit actually happens and bang! yes, i can finally feel something. this is bad, really bad. seems like the only way for me to feel is by inflicting pain and other negative feelings on me.

i used to have passions but they would not stay with me. passions fade off eventually, just like shooting stars. i have them every now and then. two months ago, you would find me speaking enthusiastically about my future plans. but now, all i can think of is, how do i get my ass off this couch. i can't be bothered with anything. i wait for time to pass. i go to music class when it's twice a week. i practice my exam pieces. i go out with my boyfriend. and then, what?

am i suppose to feel like this or what? how do you bring yourself to get excited over things?

how do you keep your passions alive? i would really, really like to know. 

pessimistic post i know. but whatever.